Its 6:48 A.M. on Thursday and I'm plagued by worries and terrible thoughts. The worst news that I could hear keeps playing over in my mind and I'm even afraid to utter them aloud here. I know that I should be positive, that I shouldn't worry yet until they actually tell us the news, but I can't help myself.

My heart hurts, but its the stomach that bears the brunt of the pain, twisting into knots and burning with worry. What if? What if? I understand how vulnerable families are at these moments and yet mine is not yet reached! Am I worrying myself needlessly? Maybe my mother will be part of that percentage that survive this? And numbers...what do they mean?

I meet up with my parents at noon and we go to MD Anderson. First the cancer doc and then the kidney doc and perhaps tests after tests. My father is sure we won't get out of there until 5 or 6. A long short day certainly.

It's pretty certain that there's something there so mistaking it for something else is a hope I won't entertain (other than in my wildest fantasies). So we hope that something can be done. Anything. Clinical trials. The crazy fate of my mom's immune system kicking in to get rid of those errant cells.

My darkest moments have me entertaining fantasies of everything being ok. That it was all a terrible mistake. Its just an infection and a zap of antibiotics will cure that. Or maybe chemo reacts perfectly and its all better. Anything to think of the other possibility that could happen.

I've tried to eat but my stomach won't let me. Not in the mornings when my worst thoughts appear. Its a little easier than at night because at night I'm too exhausted to think and I sleep immediately.

Maybe I'll run into Phred at MD Anderson. I want to see him, too. Oh yeah? Did I mention that one of my best buddies is back at the "health spa" again? I worry about him too although I know he doesn't want me to. Tough nuggies. I'll have to call him later this morning.

Well here I go to begin my day though I certainly don't want to. It's amazing how insanely fast and how incredibly slow Thursday has come. But its here. And its time to face the truth.