Well, my day with my mom at the hospital was as bad as I thought. We were only there for half the day since she got discharged at noon. It was eerie sitting in the room with the silly Nicolodeon cartoon playing about some dancing penquins singing "hugs! hugs! hugs!"

Surreal as if this were all a bad dramatic movie with the hint of comedy of singing animals. And sometimes I wish it was so i could change the channel to something more upbeat.

It was strange to see her pushing the IV cart around as she did her walking with my long grey cashmere robe around her, shuffling until all I could see was the IV top over the nurses counters, and then back again shuffling along with that funny embarrassed smile of "yeah I know i look funny" on her face. When they brought the birthday cake...that was tough not to want to cry. I couldn't really finish singing with the thought that this might be the last birthday.

My own health isn't doing so good with the stress. I've never been able to handle emotional stress so well and this has got to be the biggest one of all. But not like you're given a choice.

I did have one moment today of real peace and relaxation after my mom and I got home. We were sleeping and I felt finally that inner calm. That lasted until the doorbell rang and I had to drag myself out of bed to entertain them. Concerned family, yes, but I was so tired and so needing that peaceful moment.

Too bad I can't tell all this cancer worry about my mother to go away. Leave me alone. And don't ever come back.