oh god, what a night.

It started off innocently enough with the usual adventure dream, but in the middle of pirates invading some Maui evacuation network caves drilled into a mountain and filled with the latest security tech (dont' ask)...thoughts of my mother came back and woke me up leaving me unable to return to sleep.

After a lengthy phone conversation I feel asleep again only to have a more benign dream of which I don't remember much other than it involved driving a convertible. But then I began to dream of my family in a house, talking about how to fix it. We were all so happy and together. I saw my mom put on a birthday present and then I slowly began to wake up.

Emotion pure and simple. How much I truly love my mom and how desparately I do not want her to die. I don't know how long I silently wailed to myself, to the world, to god...but it was powerful, pure, and heartwrenching. The tears and the stifled sobbing that I didn't want my sister to hear, and yet wondered if she did also by herself in her room at night...

I know we all die and I know that someday I will have to face my parents dying off, but not now. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.